3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
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[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Well, that should do it
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door