Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!