Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
this country is so goddamn polarized
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.