My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
this will hang in the louvre one day
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business