The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I love twitter
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
True?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?