*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*