6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
“i am a sweet baby”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
not for long
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
2023 was just a warmup
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.