@liv_thatsme

*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME

@liv_thatsme

I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?

@liv_thatsme

Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.

@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you

@liv_thatsme

I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.

@liv_thatsme

I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

@liv_thatsme

FIRST DATE

Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.

@liv_thatsme

Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.