*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*
Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?
Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME
I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?
Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.
trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you
I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.
I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.
I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.
Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*
Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?
Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.
maybe the sock wants to be single you don’t know
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.