I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.