Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot