I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
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If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
The Book. The Movie.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
prepare for carbonated trouble
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed