sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here