Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of living_marble's best tweets

@living_marble : The world is my oyster. Expensive and gross.

@living_marble: One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

@living_marble: Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

@living_marble: None for me. I'll eat when I'm dead
"You don't understand how that saying works, do you?"
I'll understand how the saying works when I'm dead

@living_marble: It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

@living_marble: "Go to hell" is so abstract. "Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months." Now that's specific. That's possible. That's terrifying.

@living_marble: "Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!"
"Dad, just once, couldn't you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?"
"ARISE!"