Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.