@lloydrang

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@lloydrang

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

@lloydrang

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

@lloydrang

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.