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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.