@lmegordon

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

@lmegordon

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

@lmegordon

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

@lmegordon

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

@lmegordon

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

@lmegordon

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

@lmegordon

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

@lmegordon

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

@lmegordon

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

@lmegordon

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.