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Page of lmegordon's best tweets

@lmegordon : Don't stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

@lmegordon: My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

@lmegordon: Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

- me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

@lmegordon: My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I'm trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

@lmegordon: Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she's our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

@lmegordon: Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can't take a shower in less than 8 hours.