My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work