Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.