@lmwortho

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

@lmwortho

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

@lmwortho

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

@lmwortho

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

@lmwortho

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

@lmwortho

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.