Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My dryer is celebrating lint.