Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
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I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Dietest Coke
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter