Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
You Might Also Like
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
i will not be silenced
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you