Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
You Might Also Like
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.