“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
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[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me in tagged photos
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel