men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan