Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
That 👊
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.