My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Schrödinger’s cookie
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.