Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.