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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
You deplete me
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
courtroom exchange of the day
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”