If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.