My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.