Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
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“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Sometimes? I’m slipping