Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*