A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.