My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
person: what is your dog’s name
me: he won’t say
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32