Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.