When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…