Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*