Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*