Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.