@lovemydogduck

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

@lovemydogduck

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

@lovemydogduck

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

@lovemydogduck

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

@lovemydogduck

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

@lovemydogduck

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

@lovemydogduck

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.