SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Love this one 😂🧟
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*