so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer