“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
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[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.