Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.