ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
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I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The days of good grammer has went
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville