they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Born to be mild.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.