[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.