I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I’m not lazy
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference