Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Good advice.
Cucumbers Anonymous
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen