*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”