I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
courtroom exchange of the day