“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
guilty
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
me as a parent
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.